THE
© 2004
Rev. DAVID K. AREMU
Editor, Christian Publishing International,
Tel: 2348036121781;+2348051109976
Email: christianpubint@yahoo.com;
Website:cpi-cpi.blogspot.com
All Scriptural quotations are from the
Authorized king James version of the
Bible, unless otherwise Stated.
Published By
Christian Publishing International
( C P I )
DEDICATION
This book is dedicated to all believers in Christ Jesus whose purpose on earth is to live a godly life in a godly home and to inherit eternal life.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Title Page
Dedication ………………………………….. ………… iii
Acknowledgement…………………… ..................... iv
Foreword……………………………… …………………..v
Introduction…………………………………................ vi
Chapter 1: Partnership………………… ……………. .1
Chapter 2: Submission & Love………………………..5
Chapter 3: Communication………………………… 11
Chapter 4: Marriage Guiding principles…………….. 16
Chapter 5: Marriage Binders………… …................21
Chapter 6: Letters to the Couple……… ..... …………27
Chapter 7: ABC of solving marriage problems…….30
FORWARD
For every successful home there are guiding principles to follow. Those Biblical Principles for the Christian home are what Rev. David Aremu has outlined and discussed in details as led by the Holy Spirit.
As a Marriage counselor, Rev. Aremu made the book easier to read and understand for both singles and married couples.
If you follow the counsel of God in this book, there is no reason for you not to have a happy home.
May God grant every one who reads this book happy Christian home, Amen.
Rev. E.T. Adekeye.
Jesus Revolution Ministries,
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
I sincerely acknowledge my beloved wife (Ruth) as a Partner in life and Ministry for her enabling me to serve God in the fields of publication and Evangelism based on God’s sovereign provision.
Her coming into my life has being second to Christ. With her submission, I am able to achieve all in life.
I say THANK YOU, Mummy.
I also acknowledge Rev. E.T. Adekeye and Rev. Tayo Popoola for their fatherly counsel at all times; my Co-workers in the Ministry (Deacon Stephen Aremu, Bro Joseph Braimoh and Evang. Niyi Ajagbe) whose unflinching support and encouragement enable me to stand in the Ministry. I pray that our families shall stay everlastingly together on Christ, the solid rock, Amen.
I will not also forget my family friends Rev. Peter Awojobi, Deacon Sunday Aweda, The Ibiniyis, Rev.Olayioye, The Adunmades and Rev. Abolarinwa for their standing by my family at difficult times. Your families shall never lack any good things in Jesus Name, Amen. - Evang. David Kolawole Aremu
INTRODUCTION
Outside the home is turmoil and violence: every one needs some place in life where he is surrounded by peace and love. God ordained the home as that place of emotional safety. A happy home can be as a result of proper adjustment by the husband and his wife to each other, and by the incorporation of marriage principles outlined in the Bible into their daily lives.
Peradventure you are reading this book as an unmarried, it would be beneficial for you to first seek and read through “Choice of Marriage partner and Christian Courtship” written by the same author of this book. This book is a continuation of the former one. The Christian home actually starts from the foundation of getting a right partner. One cannot just make a choice among God’s children. Being a born again person is not a yardstick to indicate a good wife or husband. God himself has to choose the appointed one for each of his children. All believers can pray and sing; but one cannot be married to all.
Secondly, having God’s choice is not enough for a proof of excellent marriage. Man’s part is also very important: acceptance of each other and readiness to apply God’s principles as to make the marriage work. Both parties have this role to play.
Seeing faults or hearing about errors in Christian homes should result in your readiness to take necessary action against such marital errors. Every wise woman / man builds her / his house: but the foolish one tears it down with her / his hands – Prov. 14:1. To have a good home is a joint effort of both parties. The Lord will help us all to be wise unto building our own homes, Amen.
CHAPTER ONE:
The word partnership refers to an associate, especially in business. It also works for husband and wife. God instituted partnership when He called on his associates in the trinity to “ … Let us make man in our image …”-Gen. 1:26. God was referring to the Son and the Holy Spirit to work together. God as well wishes to associate with us at all time. He beckoned to us to “come now, and let us reason together”- Isaiah 1:18.
At the onset of marriage, God demanded that the “man leave his Father and his Mother, and shall cling unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh”- Gen. 2:24. The purpose is for the couple to associate together; to walk together in agreement (Amos 3:3). Walking together is more than working together. They are not called to WORK together, but to WALK together as a unit. The factory Staff may be in disagreement, yet produce good quality product. Walking together breeds accepting and tolerating each other. Marriage partnership is stronger than business partnership. It is only death of a partner that can set free the other in marriage. In business, there is no such law. In business they work together; but in marriage, it is walking together.
Partner is ‘part-ownership’. Both parties have roles to play. Every assignment in marriage should involve both partners to make it work: “Male and Female created he them; and bless them, and called their name Adam in the day when they were created”-Gen. 5:2. They both were called Adam (a unit consisting of two individuals). The identity of the woman is merged in
In marriage partnership, there are differences in capacity and capability of the partners. The Man must “dwell with the wife according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessels, and being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered “1 Pet. 3:7. “Unto weaker vessels”- Not useless but tender and precious. Tenderness not of physical strength, but of spiritual. The peculiarity of the woman must flow into the vision / life of the man. Dealing according to knowledge refers to understanding the peculiarity of women. A Man should know that women pass through different cycles in life. Mood of women changes. Let man understand the temperament of the woman. Man needs be observant, patient and understanding in dealing with the Woman: “according to knowledge”.
Men make decision based on facts but Women, on what they feel. Men take action while women calculates mathematically. Full knowledge of individuals in marriage will make known, partners’ shortcomings. Individuals must perform freely according to his / her strength. Let there be a sharing of responsibilities according to God’s ability for individuals. Where the man is weak, the woman would be strong. Discover the strength of your partner and utilize it. Marriage life is a complementary affair. There must be “Going with” and “Carrying along” in marriage partnership: “And they called Rebekah, and said unto her, wilt thou go with this man? And she said, I will go”- Gen. 24:58. “And Ruth said, intreat me not to leav thee, or to return from following thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge; and thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God” – Ruth 1:16. “Going with” on the part of woman requires commitment. “Carrying along” on the part of the man involves enlightening and educating the woman on all that is to be done. Man must not assume that the woman knows it all. The woman must be carried along in all issues from the very beginning. Marriage is not an agreement to stay together but a welding together of the two individuals that nothing will put asunder. Culture, if different or the same, and the standard of the world must not be taken above the word of God. The world and situation around will make a way for the man and woman who knows what he / she is doing.
No man or woman can stand-alone. God said “It is not good that the man (or the woman) should be alone” – Gen. 2:18. There must be a partner. “A tree can not make a forest,” they say. So also, a man or woman alone can not make a home. The two would have to form partnership (a union or fusion) to make more than a forest: one would put a thousand to flight but two, ten thousand - “Deu. 32:30.
CHAPTER TWO:
SUBMISSION AND LOVE
“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the Church…”- Eph. 5:22-23.
At creation, God attached the identity of the woman to the man. The woman loses her identity in man, and her individuality was merged in man: “Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created – “Gen. 5:2. God named both the man and the woman Adam at the time when they were created. In Adam was Eve at the very beginning before she came to being by God’s operation of a bone removal from the side bone of Adam. She was the bone of his bones and the flesh of his flesh (Gen.2:23). Adam added, “she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man”. Originally she was inside of the man. The two of them became a unit when they came together:“be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh”-Vs 24. The wife (woman) is therefore commanded by God to submit herself whole-heartedly to the man. This is not a matter of debate. If a wife takes interest in dominating her husband, the home will be in chaos, as she will despise her husband. The children will lose the natural respect for their father, which is necessary for their adjustment to life. Refusal of the Woman to be in subjection to her husband is an act of disobedience. Violation of that principle produces misery. The woman is to be submitted in all areas of her life: educationally, position, monetary, her body e.t.c. God intended man to be the head of his home. This will make a sense of responsibility in the man. God placed man’s dominion over the woman at the time of judgment in the Garden of Eden: “Unto the woman he said, ... thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee” – Gen. 3:16. The Woman that is obedient to God and is subject to her husband in all aspects will enjoy lasting peace and kindness of her husband. A woman will not be happy for long unless she is subject to her husband. The woman is to be submissive to her husband’s desire when he makes a decision, and should comply with his requirements. Submission on the part of the wife is a scriptural responsibility. A Woman that sow submission in obedience to God will reap blessing in abundance. Submission of the woman also creates environment for genuine love and respect for each other.
A wife’s submission to her husband is the key to a happy marriage.
II LOVE :
Love between husband and wife is more than physical attraction, lust, personal desire, sympathy or compassion. It is a feeling of strong personal attachment induced by God. It goes with understanding and an ardent affection. God instructed man to love his wife sacrificially as Christ loved the Church and gave himself for her:
“Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the Church and gave himself for it … so ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself … Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband” -Eph. 5:25-33.
Apostle Paul’s writing on love in 1 Cor. 13:4-7 as it appears in The Living Bible paraphrase by Kenneth Taylor says: “Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand her own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice it when others do her wrong. Love is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground to defending him”.
Nine characteristic of love that are pointed out in the writing of Apostle Paul are: patience, kindness, generosity, humility, courtesy, unselfishness, good temper, guilelessness and sincerity. The man should give each of these a careful examination of his love to his wife to see if he meets God’s standard.
All men need the power of the Holy Spirit to supply the kind of love God expects them to extend to their partners. To love someone else as your own body demands sacrificial and supernatural kind of love. Both husband and wife are commanded to love each other, but it should be pointed out that while the wife is commanded once to love her husband (Titus 2: 4), the husband is commanded at least three times in Ephesians chapter 5: 25 – 33 to love his wife. Women are naturally more inclined to demonstrate love. Love is practical. There would be trouble in the home when love disappears. One of the characteristics of love is kindness. Don’t only seek to receive kindness from your spouse, give it yourself. Try to avoid speaking in such a way that can hurt your partner. Abstain from curt remarks and sarcasm. Anytime you talk to your partner ask yourself “ Is that kind?” If not, apologize to your spouse and seek God’s grace to be kind. Love shows approval. Expression of love need be shown occasionally by approving what your mate does. Disapproving your spouse’s action, words or whatever can kill love. Disapproving hurts even more than physical abuse. It leads to making the problem or whatever that is disapproved greater than it is. It involves concentrating on the negative side of your spouse rather than thanking God on the good and positive side. Approval of your spouse must be public and private to assure your love. Your partner needs your approval for his / her adjustment in life and marriage. Naturally we respond better to commendations rather than condemnations.
God will give you love for your partner if you seek it. The fact that you do not love your partner may not mean that your partner does not love you. It only stresses your own lack of love If you want to love your partner, you can. God is the author of love; he will give you a new love for your partner if you sincerely ask him. It is plain love that makes a woman to be happy not just money, jewels or lovemaking. It is the treatment that produces love, kindness, understanding, acceptance or approval, and the recognition by the husband that he is just not complete without her. Let the man love his wife “as his own body”. If he does, she would return his love. That is the nature of women.
CHAPTER THREE:
Communication is one of the keys to a happy home. Lack of communication or wrong communication is always a problem for the couples. Communication under pressure of anger and shouting at the top of one’s voice or mute indifference is a wrong approach.
As long as two people can keep the lines of communication open and freely express their feelings, differences can be resolved. Most marital problems stem from the inability of the two people concerned to talk to each other. Matured love leads to freedom of expressing for both individuals. The man and woman who can air their differences have no room for hostility in their home, and they will have a good chance of growing together.
According to a psychologist, a wall of resistance to communication can be built gradually in marriage by these three weapons:
EXPLOSION – Natural reaction of a person is to explode when told of his / her short comings rather than face them honestly. This explosion is the result of an inner anger and hostility that causes him / her to attempt self protection Psychological nakedness is more shameful than Physical nakedness. When someone, particularly our partner, points out our deficiencies, we tend to grasp something to cover us and that would lead to anger and expression through explosion. This teaches our partner that, “ you can’t come that close to my weaknesses; if you do, I’ll explode”.
The second is SELF – DEFENCE: that result in tears. It is mostly being used by women. It is a way of saying to your partner, “Don’t tell me my shortcoming or I’ll cry!” The husband would therefore sub – consciously hold back his communication for correction lest he make her cry. Thus another block is laid in the wall that impedes communication. Husbands should be able to distinguish between tears of emotion stress, joy and self – pity in their wives. Women often show their emotion through tears. Don’t despise your wife’s tears. Be patient and kind. The woman who is early moved to tears has the greater capacity to express her emotions in every area of life. Such a woman is more responsive to tenderness and lovemaking than the dry – eyed woman. An emotional wife becomes a compassionate mother and a loving wife.
The third weapon is SILENCE: This is a dangerous tool.
It eliminates communication and has a greater effect physically and spiritually upon a person. Silence for a long time is as a result of deepening anger. That can result in diseases such as ulcer and high blood pressure. It user pays more for it. How much better it would be if two people would learn to freely communicate their differences, and thereby avoid not only problems but also side effects! Remember, all anger, bitterness, and wrath grieves the Holy Spirit (Eph. 4: 30 – 32). No man can “walk in the Spirit “ and be mad at his wife ( Gal. 5: 16)
HOW TO COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY
The Bible teaches that we should speak the truth in love (Eph. 4 : 5). Always show love while speaking the truth to your partner.
Consider using the following steps in conveying your words:
1. Pray for the Holy Spirit to help in the discussion and to effect a positive change in your relationship.
2. Plan for a time that would be best possible for both of you to objectively look and consider yourselves in line with the pressing issue.
3. With kind words say exactly what is in your heart. Let your love be equal to your truth.
4. Don’t lose your temper. Anger on one person’s part brings about an angry response by the other. Under anger, we often say more than we intend and usually this excess is cutting, cruel and unnecessary. Kindly state your objection in love only once, and let the Holy Spirit use your word to effect a change.
5. Allow for reaction time. It is you that have prayed and prepared for the discussion; your partner is taken by surprise. Don’t defend your self. Let there be freedom of expression.
Golden expressions in marriage that are necessary for couples to repeatedly communicate throughout their marriage are: (i) “I am sorry”. “ For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God”— Rom. 3: 23.
Everyone makes mistakes and you will sin against your partner many times in a normal marriage. As you are willing to face your mistakes and apologize to your partner, resistance will dissolve and spirit of forgiveness will prevail. It is pride that makes people unwilling to accept their mistakes. This is a spiritual problem. Admit your wrong and treat it objectively and honestly both to yourself and to your partner. (ii) “ I love you” is a second golden expression in marriage. Both need it. It must be voiced out directly to your spouse. Making available all she wants cannot replace that expression. The more your partner loves you, the more he / she enjoys hearing your expression of love. Say it often and meaningfully.
CHAPTER FOUR:
The nearest thing to heaven on this earth is the Christian family and the home where husband and wife, parents and children live in love and peace together for the Lord and for each other. The nearest thing to hell on earth is an ungodly home, broken by sin and iniquity where parent quarrel and separate, and children abandoned to the devil and the forces of the wickedness.
The under listed guiding principles of marriage are some of the matters that keep marriages united or in chaos depending on how they are handled.
MATURITY:
Selfishness is a sign of immaturity. It is to be completely done away with in marriage. Not having your own way and being able to control your emotion in marriage proves your maturity. There need not be compromise in marriage. Every issue need be treated truly. In case there are differences of opinion, such touchy problem offer the best way couples can maturely face future occurrence and thereby live in harmony. Learn to say “ I am sorry. Will you forgive me?”
SHARING:
“Give, and it shall be given unto you...”- Luke 6:38.
You never get anything by getting. In God’s standard, the way to get is by giving out. It is unchristian to always expect to receive and not be ready to give. Love and submission to each other should come from both sides. Make your partner happy and you will be made happy also. Give your all, and you’ll receive happiness.
BE OPEN TO CHANGE:
Changes are part of marriage. Blending of two separate individuals together requires that each of the partner need to give room to change. Give time to adjustment as to blend together. Changes take time and in the end, it results in harmony. There is nothing like “I don’t compromise” in marriage. Both must have to make the marriage a success. No superiority either. The man up there and the woman down there must come together (blending) and form a new whole. No more two but one.
COURTESY:
Treat your wife like a queen and she will treat you like a king. Treat your wife as a gentle man will treat a lady. “Love begets love”, they say. Having preferential treatment for each other will increase your love for each other.
Correcting your partner should be done in your closets and not in the public. Talk your partner’s shortcomings with him / her first after you have prayed to God about it. If there is no difference your pastor is always in the position with whom you can share the problem for counseling purpose. Correction should be done carefully and lovingly.
COMPARISON:
Both must be careful not to compare others to your spouse. Indulgence in unkind comparisons will create hostilities and conflict in the home. “We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves, and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise”- II Cor. 10: 12(NIV).
APPEARANCE:
“Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart”- I Sam. 16: 7(NIV).
Your partner is human; he or she will look on your outward appearance. Do no relax your standard of appearance after marriage. Do not do thing that are naturally easier for you like not shaving, not keeping the hair, e.t.c when both of you are together in the home. This personal care is particularly needed now in this day of men and women working together in an office or establishment. Always maintain your attractiveness to your spouse. Give no reason for not doing that. Not satisfying your spouse at home and maintaining your good appearance at work is hypocrisy.
SOCIAL LIVE:
Likes and dislikes of each other need be understood and must be taken into consideration. Not only during courtship but also in marriage must the two show interest in one another’s social life. Remember, “in honour preferring one another.” This law will work best also in social aspect of the couples lives.
FRIENDS:
It is important that Christians find some Christian friends as close companions. Other friends can exist also but there would be need to pray God that they know Christ by His grace. Christian friends will help you grow in faith. If the unbeliever should be your close companion, remember, “evil communications corrupt good manners”- I Cor. 15: 33.
PARENTS:
Most parents find it difficult to clip all apron strings after their Children have married. Be considerate and thoughtful of your partner's parents. Treat your in-laws with dignityand respect. If it appears they are interfering too much in your marriage, let their offspring do the telling. Avoid speaking negatively to your partner’s parents. It is possible to have an enjoyable relationship with in – laws that in turn enrich your marriage.
CHAPTER FIVE:
FINANCE:
It is unbiblical to put up a debate whether or not couple in a Christian home should have a common purse or a joint account. Such an attempt would mean deliberate violation of God’s principle such as occurred between Eve and the Serpent: debating whether or not to eat the forbidden fruit. At the end of such a debate, the side that is opposed to God would seem to have the victory because the devil, who is the author of such a dialogue, would have inspired many “reasonable” reasons against God’s principles. Know for sure that the reasonability of man was corrupted in the Garden of Eden through that dialogue between Eve and the serpent. We are not to set up a debate on joint or common purse but to obey God’s law: so they are no longer two, but one. “Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate”- Matt. 19:6 NIV. Let no man (the husband or the wife) put asunder by the reasons of not keeping a common purse. The causes of separation in marriage are the couples themselves. They allowed situations and men (in the court of law) to separate them. They themselves will agree together before a law court to be separated. Why? Because they allowed one form of ungodly situation or the other to stay with them, gain ground and separate them. One of such ugly factor is money. Money must not be allowed to have a rule in Christian marriage. Its presence in the home is good but it is not the major or number one factor of a happy home. Its absence does not indicate failure. It can be present or absent. It is not a fixed commodity. It is variable. It is a servant that may be available for the errand for which it is meant. If it is absent at times, the work to be done may have to be postponed until its arrival if there is no alternative means. It must not be worshiped as a god:“ for the love of money is the root of all evil; which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows” - I Tim. 6:10.
All financial investment must be jointly agreed upon in marriage. Anytime one of the partners is opposed to a particular financial investment, it would be better to wait until there is agreement than to have one defy the other’s feelings on the matter.
Keeping separate account breeds a feeling of independence and self – sufficiency that God did not intend marriage couples to have. Remember marriage is a joint venture between two people who live as one. Both are to jointly fulfill God’s law concerning blessing: Tithing, Offerings and Giving.
CHILDREN:
Children in the home are another binding agent for the couple: “Children are heritage of the LORD...” Psalm 127:3. They are gifts from God as one of the blessings of marriage, but not the central pillar in marriage. Marriage was not primarily instituted for the sake of bearing children only. The first purpose of marriage is companionship. There should be no divorce or bringing into the home, another woman if there is no Child. No divorce or remarriage also if one particular sex surfaces in childbirth. The presence or absences of children in the Christian home need not to have a negative impact on the compatibility of the couple. Their incoming, by the grace of God, should not separate wife and husband: no separate room or bed because of a child. The child is not supposed to sleep in -between the parents as well except there is the need for an intensive health care of the baby. Sooner or later that child will be on his / her own away from the parents. Let no child put asunder what God has joined together.
SEX:
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control”-I Cor. 7:3-5.
As salt is to food, so also is sex to marriage. If sex is not appropriately handled in marriage, there would be problem. It is to be handled with adequate understanding. It is one of marriage binding agents. It is the cord of the union between the husband and the wife: “Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, The two will become one flesh”- I Cor. 6:16.
To whom one is joined with in sexual relationship has become one flesh with him / her. The primary purpose of marriage is not sex but companionship. Sex makes marriage enjoyable if it is handled mutually and with understanding. It is a binding agent. Denial leads to adultery (sex outside marriage). A good sex relationship must be formed between the couple. There must not be selfishness.
PRAYER:
Prayer is the means of communication with God. It binds together the couple that knows how to use it. Marriages have been transformed by initiating a time of regular prayer between couples. This bring about sharing of burdens and leads to sharing of thoughts on past or forgotten issues due to busy activities. Prayer broadens the bond between a husband and his wife. Someone has said, “You can’t quarrel with the woman you prayer with every day”. It is emotionally beneficial to get down and pray on your knees together. Both must desire and initiate prayer for it to be of mutual help. Never allow complex events to drive you to your knees. Learn to know Him together in prayer before such need arises.
CHRIST:
“ … for without me ye can do nothing” John 15: 5.
Jesus Christ wants to be the Lord and savior of you as an individual, and then to be the Lord of your marriage. If he is, then the home you are building will abide in lasting peace and blessing. If he is not you will never experience all the blessing that God has for you in marriage. If people are properly related in a personal way to Jesus Christ, they will most likely be properly related to each other. Jesus will become the first of the three-fold cord of their marriage: ”a three fold cord is not quickly broken”-Eccl. 4:12. Jesus is interested in every area of your life. Living in accordance with his will as revealed in the Bible is the most important thing you can do to ensure a happy marriage. Christ is the greatest key to happiness in marriage.
CHAPTER SIX:
HUSBAND:
To my dear husband friend, remember that God made you to be the head of your home after Christ the Chief head. Both of you are equally important in the home: No superior and no inferior for none can stand alone. Your wife is precious, handle her with tenderness and avoid domineering spirit. Be polite to her just as you act politely to a new stranger. As you act jovially towards people outside, in office and other places, do likewise at home to your wife. Do you know that women pass through cycles in life? This can change their mood and behaviours. Be observant, patient and understanding so that you can relate with her “ according to knowledge”.
Love your wife:
Sacrificially – willing to give up ALL (ambition, pleasure, friends, e.t.c ) for her sake.
Purposefully – putting off all selfishness;
Realistically – not diminishing in love despite ups and down;
Willfully – determine to love her with great affection;
Absolutely – without reservation limitation or condition just as Christ loved us.
Be honest with her; do not be deceitful or else she would find it difficult to love you.
Correct her privately between the two of you and commend her publicly before friends, children and partners.
Finally my brother, be fair to her in financial matters. Give correct cash for appropriate items and allow her to make purchase for the home. Allow her to manage your physical needs. She is your home keeper; give her free hand to operate. If she does not know how to, teach her and allow her to practice. Discover her strength and utilize it. Let her perform in those areas that you are weak. Walk together with her. Carry her along in all issues.
WIFE:
My sister in the Lord, no matter how he behaves only seek to please the Lord by being “in subjection to your own husband” I Peter 3:1. Submit to him whole – heartedly in all areas of your life. Make yourself lovable to him; loving him so much is not too much for you. Always try to meet the needs of your husband not facially but genuinely. Do not be demanding or selfish. Avoid criticism; discover his weaknesses and needs, and try to satisfy them. Abandon all dependency on your parent and friends. Never criticize his parents. Welcome my friend warmly at his arrival into the home; reserve all negative comments / reports until after meal . Remove all jealousy and greet him with a smile if not a kiss. Forget about changing your husband’s character. That can only be done by God. Pray and let your conversation with him be with love, then watch to see how God will change him for you (I Peter 3: 1– 2). Always have heart to heart talk with him; submit to him, care and pray for him. Put him first in your thought; appreciate all his doings and be kind to him. Be economical; don’t spend excessively. Be yourself. Never compare another woman with yourself. Be a good mother to your children. Show them good example and teach them the word of God. That is a ministerial work on your part. Win first your children for God before you think of winning others.
In conclusion, accept him as he is, cling to him and love him. May God bless your home, Amen.
CHAPTER SEVEN:
ABC OF SOLVING MARRIAGE PROBLEMS
B – Do not Blame others or your partner for your problem; blame yourself for when you blame others the problem remains.
C – Create a free atmosphere to solve problems; when you sit to discus it, solution is ready at hand.
D – Defending yourself or the problem would not solve it. Do not defend yourself.
E – Examine problem and yourself do not examine your partner at the time of problem.
F – Face the problem maturely. Do not boast of your positive ness and you will be able to solve it.
G – Good fighting (not a bad one) to solve the problem timely with spiritual weapon; not loudly and not in the public.
H – Pray and forgive each other at the end. Let no poison remain in your Heart.
I – Insist on solving the problem before you sleep. Do not sleep without settling a problem.
J – Do not be Jealous of your partner or else it results in anger or malice.
K – Kindly express your objections in love. Say exactly what is in your mind.
L – Learn by the problem you have passed through.
M – Don’t Magnify problem beyond outward show. Meditate on the positive side of your partner.
N – Neglect the problem so that it does not inflame your heart
O – Open the problem to each other so as to conquer them.
P – Be Prayerful, Patient and Persevering when trying to overcome any problem.
Q – Quietness: Listening attentively is what you need when a partner is talking about the problem.
R – Remember always that Satan has interest in the problem: be watchful and careful.
S – Study the problem in line with the word of God. Cool down, don’t be under pressure.
T – Take the problem always from between you.
U – Understand your partner.
V – Vacate not the house or else you come back to meet the problem again. Settle the problem with mature mind.
W – Worry not about the problem; when you worry about it, you are magnifying it.
X – You get to a Crossroad as long as the problem remains.
Y – Yesterday’s problem can spoil happiness of today. Settle the problem on time to be happy everyday.
Z – Zealously bring your tongue under control when solving a problem.
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* * “If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them” - John 13:17.
* * Pray to develop these ways of living with your partner.
* * Except you have Jesus in your life, all these cannot be possible.
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